


dance one more with me.

by TrashTrashTrash



Category: Video Blogging RPF
Genre: Amy is the Best, Angst and Feels, Chica - Freeform, Fluff and Angst, Friends to Lovers, Getting Together, Hurt/Comfort, I don't know how this will end yet, I'm Sorry, M/M, Medical Inaccuracies, No Beta, Sickfic, Spencer - Freeform, Unus Annus, We Die Like Men, because I am not a doctor, henri - Freeform, i will die for her, mostly angst though, sorry - Freeform, working out my own problems through this, yall
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-09-16
Updated: 2021-02-03
Packaged: 2021-03-06 18:16:08
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 7,793
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26493250
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TrashTrashTrash/pseuds/TrashTrashTrash
Summary: “Cancer?”It’s one word, but it’s one Ethan never expected to hear.
Relationships: Mark Fischbach/Ethan Nestor
Comments: 155
Kudos: 327





	1. Stop

**Author's Note:**

  * For [my very own mysterious illness](https://archiveofourown.org/gifts?recipient=my+very+own+mysterious+illness).



> I would like to apologize in advance.
> 
> Here's the playlist for the fic: https://open.spotify.com/playlist/0Ku6Sj4KyDbkXVhfJe9PHw?si=x-QlQ0VYSB-KOmxHWSOouw

“Cancer?” 

It’s one word, but it’s one Ethan never expected to hear.

\-------

He had walked into the neurologist’s office at Cedars-Sinai this morning at the ass crack of dawn, having enough time before today’s unus annus shoot to make the appointment. It was something that had taken the back burner in his mind, it being January and Unus Annus just passing the 3-month mark, his mind was preoccupied with thinking up new video ideas with Mark. 

He had had a migraine last Monday morning, so he thought, no problem. It’ll go away in a couple of hours tops. Hours turned to days, though, and Ethan would have just toughed it out, really, but Mark kept badgering him, telling him there’s no harm in going to the doctors. Plus, hadn’t Ethan been super tired lately? After him bringing it up for the 10th time that day, Ethan had finally caved in, asking the elder if he agreed to go to the doctor tomorrow, would he finally shut the hell up? To that, Mark had only given a small smile and a nod, which had made Ethan roll his eyes in return but still couldn’t help his lips from turning up in return.

So, he had stopped by his primary, telling her about the one long, continuous migraine plaguing him for almost a week. It had been a short delivery, one that very well conveyed he didn’t think he needed to be there. She had just looked at him though, tilted her head, and asked some questions, to which he gave truthful answers, like, ya, he had experienced more headaches than usual lately, and he was exhausted the majority of the time. She had written all of it down, looked back up at him, gave him one of those polite smiles that didn’t meet the eyes, and said that he should go to the neurologist just to make sure, but of course, it was probably nothing. He remembered almost saying that it wasn’t necessary, but then he had thought of Mark and how he would kick his ass to the sun and back if he ever found out. So, he had agreed on the promise that it would be quick.

He had gone through the entire appointment half-asleep and half thinking about the videos planned for today’s shoot. The nurse, Shirley, was a good stick, which he told her. She didn’t respond for a moment, busy filling a couple of tubes with his blood, her graying red hair falling in front of her eyes as her plump but sturdy hands pulled out the needle. At that point, she had looked at him, her green eyes tired but warm, and given him a curt ‘thanks’ before walking off to what Ethan could only assume was her numerous other patients. 

Another nurse had come in and led him to the MRI machine, where a bubbly blonde woman greeted him, telling him that she would be taking his scan with the gusto of 10 cups of espresso. It had taken 40 minutes for the MRI to get done. His ADHD had not been happy about that, which Dr. To-Early-To-Be-That-Happy had apparently picked up on. She, whose real name was actually Dr. Sam (because last names are too formal, she had said), chatted with him throughout the process, asking the typical questions: where you from? What do you do? That one she was fascinated by, especially Unus Annus and the premise of the channel. He was able to fill a lot of the time by talking about it, the adventures he and Mark had been on so far because of it, the mishaps they had gotten into because of it. She had seemed genuinely interested the entire time. Whether it was real or just practiced politeness from all the scans she’s done throughout her career, Ethan didn’t know.

He should have known something was up when she had looked at her screen when he was all done, and her Ms.Sunshine expression was replaced with a blank one. It was a quick change, her returning to her original happy attitude moments later, but it had been long enough that Ethan had caught it. He should have known right there and then that something was up, but he was too caught up in thinking about what they’d be ordering for lunch that day. It was supposed to be Mark’s turn to pick, but Ethan knew that if he whined enough, he’d pick pad thai like Ethan always wanted. 

He had been pulled out of his thoughts when the radiologist cleared her throat.

“Ethan, do you think you could stick around for 30 more minutes? I just have to double-check something real quick.” He was going to ask what, but he had felt a buzz in his pocket, pulling it out to find Evan was bringing Bodhi today. So, when Sam gently called his name to get an answer, he just replied sure, too enraptured with the picture of Bodhi licking a not-so-pleased looking Mark’s face to give too much thought to it. Probably just triple checking nothing’s wrong so the hospital doesn’t get sued. That was a thing happening a lot these days anyway he had heard.

He had spent his time waiting in a small room outside another doctor’s office. A Dr.Reyes, judging by the plaque on the wall. Not too long after sitting down, a woman in a white coat who he could only assume was the one and only walked into the office, followed by Dr.Sam. She had smiled at him, her dark skin complimenting her bright white teeth, giving a small wave before entering the room. He had given a small smile back, one that was polite but not interested. He had just wanted to leave at that point. It had been four hours since he had first arrived, and he was starting to think his primary might have lied to him about the whole “in and out” timing of it all. 

  
  


After about 20 minutes the door had opened, revealing both women standing behind it. The new doctor, Dr. Reyes he read from her nametag, had looked at Ethan before waiving him in.

“Mr.Nestor, can I speak to you for a moment, please?” He had given a quick nod before standing up, following her back in. Before he could sit down, Dr. Sam was sliding past him, giving him a small pat on his shoulder, staying there for only a moment before closing the door behind her.

“Mr.Nestor-”

“Ethan’s good. Sounds like my dad when you say that,” he had cut in, wrinkling his nose at the thought of being noted as his father. Dr. Reyes had let out a small huff in response, a smile appearing on her previously serious face.

“Ethan,” She had said, bowing her head to him. He had nodded for her to continue. Her smile quickly fades, her eyes turning sad and it had made Ethan’s stomach drop.

“What?” It was small, barely audible. He had suddenly realized where he was. The pamphlets on the wall for coping mechanisms. The model of the brain on the coffee table. Her name plaque situated perfectly center-left on her desk reading 

_'Dr.Reyes_

_Neuro-Oncologist'_

  
  


_No_

_“_ No-” He had started shaking his head rapidly, looking everywhere but at her.

“Ethan-” He had put his index finger up, a silent plea for her to stop. For everything to just stop for a moment because all of the sudden his world had crashed down around him in an instant.


	2. The Hospital Ground Below

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Cancer?” 
> 
> It’s a question, but it’s said with the weight of a shit ton of disbelief.

“Cancer?” 

It’s a question, but it’s said with the weight of a shit ton of disbelief. “How, _how_ did this happen? I- I was fine like, a _week_ ago.” He slumps back against the couch. It had taken him a moment to make the world stop spinning. Once he had, he plopped his body down on the brown leather. _Might as well get acquainted_ , he thought.

“Well,” Dr. Reyes begins, sitting down on one of the two chairs separated by a glass table across from him. “That’s the good thing, _and_ the bad thing about this.” Ethan raises his eyebrows, in obvious confusion, signaling her to elaborate.

“The cancer is affecting a part of your brain that causes symptoms to show up pretty quickly. So, the bad news: you have cancer-” Ethan scoffs at that, because well, it’s ridiculous. This whole thing is just so fucking ridiculous that Ethan really even can’t believe it’s happening. “- the good news, we’ve caught it pretty early on. It’s only about five milimeters in width right now.” She picks up a pencil on the table and points to the eraser. “So, it’s about this big.”

“Pretty small for being such a huge bitch,” Ethan mutters, taking the pencil from Dr. Reyes. She gives a small smile, looking at him in a way a mother would look at her kid when they said something they shouldn’t have, but it was still funny anyway. It makes Ethan relax a bit, sinking ever so slightly into the cushion. It reminded him that he was talking to another human, no matter what the subject. 

The sudden break in seriousness made him really look at her for the first time today. She let her hair grow natural, the coily strands hanging to about her shoulders. They complimented her slim face, framing her warm, big brown eyes. She was very adult looking to Ethan, light makeup, a nice blouse, and black trousers topped off with her very official white coat. She looked professional, someone who Ethan would probably avoid in any other situation out of intimidation. She looked like someone who would be efficient, no-nonsense, the antithesis of himself, but the smile she offered him was one that showed humanity, and more importantly empathy. 

“Yes, unfortunately, that’s how tumors work, they only end up growing up until about two inches until..” she hesitates for a moment, and suddenly the small blanket of comfort that had been sewn was ripped away and burned right in front of him. 

“Until they die, right?” Ethan bites back, once again tense and terse. “Because that’s what’s going to happen-” He stands up, his volume rising with panic, “I’m going to die.” He’s becoming frantic now, pacing around the room. “That’s all this is- making me as comfortable as I can before I die. You know what? It’s actually even worse” His hands fist at his hair. “You’re just, giving me false hope! I-I I’m not even going to make it through this but you’re going to put me through hell and back! And for what?” He flings his arms in the air, “for a quick buck?”

“Ethan-”

“NO- _no_ . Okay? Yo-you- fuck off!” He shouts abruptly. He’s all the way at the other end of her office by the large window that looks out at the hospital grounds below. There are a couple different concrete paths of sidewalk woven into the grass with a couple of trees darted around here and there. He sees people in the courtyard, some sitting on one of the few branches eating their lunch, others walking with friends and chatting. All of them just going about their normal lives, and he's here, in a fucking doctor's office on a random Tuesday afternoon, being told that, oh yeah, _he's got fucking cancer_.

_Why me?_

I don’t-” He heads to the door, wildly pointing at her.

_It’s too much._

“I don’t- _I’m fine_ , okay? I’m fine” He slams the door and frantically follows the halls from the way he came. People try to smile at him, probably because he looks like a wild animal that’s just been dropped into the middle of Times Square, but he doesn’t smile back. His vision is starting to spin, the walls moving, closing in on him. His heart continues to pick up pace as he finally gets outside. He thought he would finally be able to breathe when he got out but he’s wrong and his throat only constricts more when the L.A. morning air hits him. 

_Fuck fuck fuck fuck, I - I can’t do this. I can’t handle this I-. Fuck._

“FUCK” He screams aloud. A couple of people look around, but Ethan doesn’t pick up on it. The world is crumbling before him and all he can do is stand there, his head so full but still not being able to have one clear thought.

Suddenly, he feels his begin phone buzz in his pocket, and it jolts him out of his spiraling enough tp scramble for it.

_‘Mark is calling’_

_Fuck_

“Fuck.” He can see his hand shaking as he brings the phone up to his ear.

  
  


“Hi, Mark.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys,
> 
> Sorry it's taken so long to update. I've been ✨depressed✨. A short one but I wanted to get it out and it was planned out to be like this anyway.
> 
> Hope you guys like and leave a like and comment!
> 
> My rec for the week is a Zukka (sokka and zuko from ATLA) fic called Invisible String. It's super cute and a nice slow burn.
> 
> Stay Trashy,  
> Trash Mom


	3. Sinking Man

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Hey Mark”
> 
> “Sup, Eth. Where are you?” 
> 
> Shit.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The song for this chapter is Sinking Man by Of Monsters of Men
> 
> The playlist for this fic: https://open.spotify.com/playlist/0Ku6Sj4KyDbkXVhfJe9PHw?si=-2nLm0pqRvuU_xo4STqBxQ

“Hey Mark”

“Sup, Eth. Where are you?” 

_ Shit. _

Ethan checks his watch. He was supposed to be there 2 hours ago. Even with the 3 hour grace period, he had given himself between what was supposed to be the end of his appointment and the start of filming, he still managed to be late. 

_ Guess that’s what happens when you find out you got cancer, huh? _

“You didn’t oversleep again, did ya Eth?” Mark asks a hint of amusement in his voice. Ethan can practically hear his smirk through the phone. Any other day he’d whine in response, throw up his hands dramatically and say that he couldn’t help it, it was apart of the legendary Eeth charm. But today wasn’t that day. Today it strikes guilt into his chest.

The guilt starts to intertwine with the panic, and he can’t help but feel a sinking feeling in his stomach. He hated letting Mark down.

“Shit Mark, I’m so sorry I-”

What does he say? Does he tell, Mark? God, he’d never look at him the same. He’d want to end unus annus for sure. Tell Ethan that he didn’t want him dealing with the pressure, that he should just focus on the stupid cancer. No-

_ No.  _

Unus Annus is the one thing that pulled him out of his depression back in November. Before the channel, he felt hopeless, didn’t want to create anymore. He didn’t feel like himself; like the world was somehow drained of color. But Unus Annus had filled his black and white world with color once again, vibrant and screaming with life. He can’t-

_ I can’t lose this. _

“Ethan?” 

He feels like he’s sinking deep into the abyss, but there’s no surface to reach for. He tells Mark and loses the one good thing he’s got going, he doesn’t-

He doesn’t and he lies to Mark. He keeps a secret- a huge, dark, _ painful, _ deadly secret from his best friend. 

“Ethan?” Mark says again, this time a little concern trickling into his usually neutral tone. Ethan usually speaking a mile a minute, the silence is alarming to the older man, and Ethan can tell.

He has to make the choice: sink further towards the lies, or try to make things right, try to swim up but have everything taken away, the surface blocked by the monster growing inside.

“Ya I did,” he blurts out, surprising himself by the confidence in his voice. He forces a laugh. “ I got back from the appointment and completely just passed out. Sorry man I thought I turned my alarm on.”

Mark lets out a theatrical sigh and tsks Ethan through the phone. “ Oh Ethan, when will you ever learn how to use the clock function on the iPhone?” 

The brunette feels his body deflate, releasing the breath he hadn’t realized he’d been holding. 

_ He believed it.  _

Ethan laughs again, this time genuine with relief. “You know it’s never gonna happen, Mark! It’s apart of who I am,” he retorts, using his baby voice to drive it home. He can hear Mark’s deep chuckle on the line, sending a sense of warmth through his body.

He still has Mark. He still has Unus Annus.

“I know, I know. But hey- everything go good at the doctor’s?”

That’s all that matters.

“Everything’s fine.”

And he sinks further down.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys,
> 
> short chapter because they are ✨dramatic✨ but the upcoming ones should be longer. 
> 
> How do you guys feel about Ethan not telling Mark?
> 
> Also, how's school going for you guys, if not school, work? Online sucks and I was thinking about taking a semester off, but then I realized that was one more semester I'd have to spend in the U.S. and now I am pushing through.
> 
> Love you trash monsters,  
> Your Trash Monster Mommy
> 
> P.S. My other crankiplier fic will be coming out soon, so look out for that!


	4. Promise

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In for seven, out for four.
> 
> In
> 
> Out

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Playlist: https://open.spotify.com/playlist/0Ku6Sj4KyDbkXVhfJe9PHw?si=GlVBwL13QP2PHXEdTvMFDQ
> 
> Recommended Song for this Chapter: Hug All Ur Friends by Cavetown

By the time Ethan arrives at Mark’s house, he’s drowning in guilt. He’s gasping for air in the driveway, trying to calm down his pounding heart, so it doesn’t run up to Mark itself to confess everything.

He should just tell him, Ethan thinks. He’s his best friend. They see each other every single day, for Christ’s sake. Even if the guilt doesn’t somehow eat him alive, he has no fucking clue how he’s supposed to keep a mortally threatening illness from him. 

Suddenly he’s coughing, choking on his own anxiety rising up his throat. He closes his eyes and tries to do the breathing techniques his therapist showed him. 

In for 7, out for 4. 

_ In.  _

_ Out. _

After a few minutes, he can feel his hands stop shaking, and he opens his eyes again only to find Amy staring at him worryingly from the front door. The sweater she’s wearing is big enough to where she can fiddle with the sleeves. Something she always does when she’s stressed. 

Fuck, he forgot about Amy. About how, although it’s only been a couple of months of Unus Annus, they’ve grown incredibly close, closer than they had been before the channel, even though they had already been declared parts of the same whole since the day they met. He forgot about how she’s also someone he’d call his best friend. About how after she found him having a panic attack for the first time after he moved out to L.A., she had pulled him close and held him for half an hour comforting him. How she’d promised not to tell Mark as long as he kept the promise to her that if something was ever wrong, he’d come to her and tell her, with a pinky swear to never judge. About how, ever since that day, he’d confided in every single thing to her, whether it was something as small as a fly being in his kitchen to his grandma dying. They’d sit down at their favorite coffee shop a couple of blocks from Ethan’s apartment, Spencer and Henry at their feet, and Ethan would just release everything that had accumulated since their last meet. Amy would always listen attentively, nodding to show she was following but never interrupted. He told her all. He made a promise, and she had kept hers too.

He forces a smile and waves his hand in the air in a “don’t worry about it” motion. 

  
  


His heart breaks along with his promise.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, okay.
> 
> So, I /promise/ longer chapters are coming, but I started writing what was supposed to be this next upcoming chapter and I couldn't not make this its own thing.
> 
> I truly loved how close Ethan and Amy got during Unus Annus and I really want that to reflect here. Sure this is a mark and Ethan fic, but we all know who runs the show.
> 
> Just to let yall know *spoiler* Mark will NOT be cheating on Amy in this fic. She is a queen and will be treated as such.
> 
> I am writing the next chapter as we speak, so be ready for an update soon!
> 
> Love you my trashipoos,  
> Trash Daddykins
> 
> P.S. If you read all of this, tell me if you're an unus or an annus. Guess what I am.


	5. Right?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He is- he is doing the right thing, right?
> 
> By keeping it a secret?

By the time Ethan finally gets his feet to carry him to the door, he’s drained. The emotional rollercoaster he’s been on for the past five hours has sucked the life out of him. His shoulders slump as he stops in front of the door.

He is- he _ is _ doing the right thing, right?

By keeping it a secret?

_ I mean, it’s not too late, right? _ Ethan reasons. He himself only found out this morning. And sure, he didn’t tell him when he had the chance to when Mark called, but- he couldn’t have already missed the window for sharing his life-altering news, right? And maybe he can even convince him, after he’s calmed down, of course, that he can finish out Unus Annus, that they’ll just be careful with him and his, well, cancer. 

Surely they can figure  _ something _ out-

  
  


But then the knob’s turning, and Ethan’s brain instantly halts as Mark's head peeks out the front door. It’s only his face, the rest of his body hidden by the dark oakwood frame, probably trying to keep a very excited Chica at bay. His hazel eyes are crinkled as he smiles at Ethan, a hint of a smirk playing on his lips and-

  
  


Well

Ethan forgets everything he was thinking about up until this moment.

  
  


Ok, so what? Ethan might have a small, teensy-weensy, minuscule if you really think about it, crush on his best friend and business partner.

No big deal, right?

“Ready to film, Eth?” Mark asks, pulling Ethan up and out of his thoughts. He smiles back at the older man, forcing his feet to move forward to finally enter the house he was supposed to be at three hours ago. Mark moves out of the way just enough for Ethan to slide past, Ethan brushing against his rugrat shirt clad stomach in the process. It makes his cheeks flush.

“Absolutely.”

  
  


\---

“That was such a fuck show, oh my god,” Ethan says while doubling over in laughter. He can’t believe Mark actually went in the pool with all the elderly simulation shit on.

“Ya, Jesus Christ, Mark,” Amy adds, wiping a tear from her eye mid-giggle, “talk about committing to the bit.”

Mark’s also laughing, a low chuckle escaping his lips as he drags his body from the pool. He throws his head back as he does, bearing his throat, showcasing the water droplets that cling to his neck. Ethan can’t help but track the way his Adam's apple bobs as he does so. It’s almost hypnotizing.

He shakes his head, breaking the trance. He almost gets away with it too, his moment of weakness, but he catches Amy’s knowing look out of the corner of his eye. His body freezes like a deer in headlights, his eyes locked on hers.

Ethan squeezes them shut in regret as he remembers that faithful decompressing coffee chat that took place a few months ago that was the cause of Amy’s all-knowing gaze.

_ “Amy, I-” He stops himself, hesitation evident on his face. Amy softly reaches for his hand, squeezing it reassuringly. _

_ “What is it, Ethan? Remember no judgment, no telling Mark. I keep my promises, you know that.” It’s said with a kind smile, one that Amy reserves for Ethan when he starts to shut down. It always eases his anxiety, reminds him he’s safe with Amy, that she does indeed keep her promises. He takes a deep breath and continues. _

_ “I…,” In, out. “I think I like Mark,” it comes out fast and jumbled, and if Amy hadn’t been paying attention, she would have probably missed it. But she hadn’t. She had been listening intently, just like she always did. A small smile takes over her face, her eyes glistening with understanding and a knowing look that makes Ethan’s eyebrows furrow. “What.” _

_ “Ethan,” she says with a small giggle, “It’s kind of obvious.” _

_ “What?!” Ethan splutters, looking at her incredulously. She just nods slightly, another small laugh escaping before she’s covering her mouth apologetically. _

_ “No, Ethan. I mean, to me, it is, at least. Mark hasn’t asked me about it or anything if that’s what you’re worried about.” His shoulders immediately slump with relief after he hears that. God, if Mark knew, he’d never talk to him again. I mean, how could he? Ethan was the weird backflip kid who Mark had taken pity on and somehow he was still here.  _

_ Suddenly he feels a wave of guilt wash over him. Shit, how could he forget? _

_ “Oh my god, Amy I’m so sorry I-” _

_ “For what?” His palms rub roughly over his face. He’s such an idiot. _

_ “You’re probably the last person I should confess my stupid schoolboy crush to.” God, why doesn’t he just think?  _

_ “Ethan,” She gives him a pointed look. “We broke up a year ago, and on good terms too. We are literally still best friends and we’ve both moved on. It’s ok Eth,” She rubs the top of his hand with her palm reassuringly. He takes his time to breath through it, process her words, before looking back up. He’s greeted with the same reassuring smile before it switches to a small smirk. _

_ Oh, God. _

_ “Oh God-” _

_ “Soooo,” She says, resting her head on her hand before nodding towards Ethan. “Tell me all about your huugee crush on Mark-” _

_ “Come on, Amy-” He whines, stomping his feet in his chair. _

_ “No, no, no, Ethan. I am now requiring you, by Pinky Promise Law, to tell me, in grave detail, about how you’re totally in love with my ex.” _

_ He shakes his whole body in retaliation, throwing his arms by his side as a grimace takes over his features. _

_ “Ammyy-” _

_ “Come onnn, Ethan,” The brunette playfully whines back. “I wanna know.” Ethan’s eyes narrow, looking at her for a good moment, seeing if she’ll let it go, let him die of embarrassment in peace. But of course, she doesn’t, just stares back expectantly until he finally breaks, sighing and leaning back in his chair. _

_ “Fine.” _

  
  


He feels his phone buzz in his pocket, which is thankfully a good enough excuse to break eye contact with Amy, looking down at his pants as he tries to dig out the stupid thing. 

_ 14 missed calls _

_ 3 voice messages _

Fuck. He puts his phone up to his ear. Even though the number isn’t in his contacts, he has a sinking feeling he knows who’s been trying to reach him all day.

_ Message from 12:42PM: “Hi Ethan, it’s Doctor Reyes, I know this is scary but we really need to talk about this. Please call me back at this number at your earliest convenience.” _

Another 

_ Message from 3:28PM: “Ethan, Dr. Reyes again. I really need you to call me back. The only way to make this go away is if we work together. Call me when you can.” _

There’s one more. This one’s much longer than the rest.

_ Message from 5:19PM: “Listen. I get it, you’re scared shitless. I would be too, but you can’t do this on your own. You can’t pretend it’s not there. You have cancer Ethan-”  _

He feels his entire body stiffen with her words. She’s right, he knows she is. But,  _ fuck, _ he doesn’t want it to be.

_ “- Please just come by my office, okay? Bring whoever you want if it makes you feel better-” _

His mind automatically goes to Mark, but he shakes it quickly.

_ “-but you need to deal with this. I know you think I’m just some money-hungry doctor-”  _

Fuck, he forgot he said that.  _ Good going Eth. _

_ “-but I truly care about you Ethan, and I know this is terrifying but I want to help- I can help, but you have to let me-”  _

_ I know,  _ he thinks to himself _.  _

_ “-Please, I’ll be here as late as I can. I need to get home by 9 though, I promised Braeden I’d read him to bed tonight but- I’ll be here okay? Please come, Ethan. Bye.”  _

The dead air that consumes him after the message ends is deafening, and it makes everything around him go blank as well. The realization of what he had done earlier at the hospital, yelled at the doctor who was only trying to do her job, help a guy, a kid really, deal with something so outside of his limits, only to be met with the same person throwing a fit, storming out like she had just tried to burn him instead of saving him. He had acted like she was the devil when in reality she was actually his new guardian angel, a protector who he’d banished out of fear. 

He looks down at his watch.  _ 6:32. _

_ Fuck. _

“Fuck- guys I, I gotta go,” Ethan rushes out, his feet quickly carrying him to the living room where he’d left his things. 

He must look as panicked as feels, because Mark and Amy immediately stop playfully debating and immediately start following him into the house, Mark’s quick wet, squelching footsteps echoing in Ethan’s already ringing ears. While quickly grabbing his jacket and keys from the couch, he feels a hand reach out and touch his shoulder. He jolts, retracting from the touch. His green eyes dart up, meeting Amy’s very concerned brown ones. He tries to smile but he knows it’s unconvincing at best.

“Ethan, are you alright?” Mark’s voice breaks through the tension, making Ethan whip his head towards the older man, standing cautious but alert only a few feet from the two. 

He swallows so hard he swears both of them can hear it.

This is it. He’s standing there. Right in front of him. Asking him a question that Ethan knows the answer to. The truth.

Last chance.

  
  


He heads to the door, turning back as he’s about to close it behind him.

“I’m alright.”

He looks both of them dead in the eyes.

“Promise.”

_ Yeah, right. _

He feels himself hit the ocean floor, sunken to the bottom.

  
  


The door slams behind him.

Right.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't know how often I'm going to be able to update these next couple of weeks. I have so much for finals I'm probably going to sue them for being homophobic.
> 
> Let me know what you guys think of the longer chapter!
> 
> Love you kids,  
> Trash Daddy
> 
> P.S. Drink water and go to bed!!


	6. Long Way From Home

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> By the time Ethan runs up to the hospital entrance steps, it’s dark outside, the once-bustling hospital grounds now completely empty. The lights lining the green are a dim yellow, making the area look unreal, like something out of a movie. It all feels unreal, really.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Playlist: https://open.spotify.com/playlist/0Ku6Sj4KyDbkXVhfJe9PHw?si=onfjtX54QxqFgXpNSM4c2w 
> 
> Song for this chapter: Long Way From Home by The Lumineers

By the time Ethan runs up to the hospital entrance steps, it’s dark outside, the once-bustling hospital grounds now completely empty. The lights lining the green are a dim yellow, making the area look unreal, like something out of a movie. It all feels unreal, really.

His feet move quickly through the halls, his brain on autopilot as he jogs down the skinny lanes. The bright white of the walls and lights intensifying the moment, frying his brain to where he can no longer understand his own thoughts. He’s just moving—one destination in mind.

When he finally reaches her office, he’s out of breath. His body tries to recuperate as he leans his hands down on his knees. It wasn’t a long walk in reality. The oncology department had been the wing right outside the main entrance, but Ethan feels like his lungs are caving in, legs shaking slightly. 

_ “That had been happening a lot recently, huh?” _ Ethan thinks to himself how his stamina isn’t what it used to be. He had realized a lot of little things like that today after seeing the doctor. Like how he had been late more than usual these past few weeks to Unus Annus shoots because he was just so tired that the thought of waking up sent him straight back to sleep. Or how he had been having a tough time remembering if he took his anxiety medicine more days than not. Even how he couldn’t seem to eat as much as he did a couple of months ago, his once huge appetite shriveled down to a child’s portion. He really hadn’t given much thought to any of it, but now-

Now it was all coming to a head, every little thing clashing together, morphing into the most obvious sign of trouble, reading THIS IS BAD in all caps, that he had somehow been utterly and lamentably oblivious to. Like all the acts in the circus merged into one hideous nightmare of a finale. The once consumable bits of the show miraging into an overwhelming, inharmonious  _ fuck fest _ that screams into his ears that he should have known. It’s so loud now, a not so sudden bang that rattles his brain.

“Ethan?” His head shoots up. Dr. Reyes is slumped against the wall right outside her office. Her once perfectly pressed white coat is now wrinkled from being awkwardly squished against the door frame. There’s the smallest bit of mascara smudged on her lower lashline, but as her eyes meet Ethan’s, no matter how tired they look, close as she sighs with genuine relief.

“Christ, kid,” she lets out a forced laugh, shaking her head in disbelief before looking at him with a serious look, “you scared the  _ shit _ out of me.” Her smile drops after that, just leaving sincerity behind, and his heart aches from the guilt. He’s fully standing straight up by now, but the hurt in her eyes makes him hang his head, his fingers twiddling around each other, suddenly becoming super interesting.

“Sorry,” he mutters, still not looking up.

“Ethan,” It’s pointed. The tone a mom uses on her kids when she means business. It forces his eyes to dart up, connecting once more with her brown ones. They’re calmer now, less stern and more worried and

And suddenly, he just  _ breaks. _

Utterly and seamlessly shatters into a million pieces.

Everything he had been trying to hold in, stumbling to juggle, to keep glued together since this morning, is falling apart in an instant. The final act is coming to its climax, the clang of every instrument, the cry of every animal, the scream of every person going off all at once, the fireworks blinding him and making his skin feel like it’s on fire.

His knees give in, and he collapses to the floor, his hands coming up to cradle his face, and he cries. He balls—the tears falling carelessly down his cheeks in floods, dripping down his chin and neck.

It’s real—all of this. 

The dam he had been trying to build up against it all day, to block it out, to keep it from touching him, came crumbling down, drowning him in the truth.

“I have cancer.” The words are gurgled out between gasps and sobs, barely forming the right sounds to count as English, but Dr. Reyes hears him just fine.

His lungs burn from the sudden incoming of water, his heart beating fast as it tries to outrun the pain. He gasps for air, but nothing comes. The tears just keep falling indefinitely. 

“Ethan,” This one is accompanied by arms reaching around him, holding on tight. They’re warm, and he immediately sinks into them, no more walls to stop him, burying his head into her shoulder as he continues to cry. He cries and cries until he’s nothing more than a shaking body. A man reduced to a scared boy in a stranger’s comforting embrace. 

He’s scared of the monster under his bed, but this time the monster is in his head, growing, taking over what was once his and his only.

Hands gripping his shoulders make him blink. The bright overheads make him squint as his eyes try to accustom to the light and not the back of his eyelids. They get him back to normal enough to where he can make out Dr. Reyes through the blur of tears. She’s fully awake now, looking at him like he is the only thing in the world that is important. 

Like she cares.

It makes him start to cry all over again, falling back onto her chest as he wails some more. 

“Ethan wha-”

“I’m- I, I’m so sorry,” he gets out in between sobs, snot dripping down his face. He’s pulled back again, her hands a bit more firm as she brings him to eye level.

“For what, Ethan?” Her brow bunching as she tilts her head with confusion. He can barely make it out through the stream of tears still pouring out and the sound of his blubbering.

“For, for-” His voice breaks as he tries to get the words out, “for saying you don’t care. Tha-that you’re money hungry. I’m so sorry.” The last syllable is drawn out with a new series of sobs. His head drops as they wrap through his body. He’s once again pulled up to sit straight, her brown eyes shining with determination.

“Ethan, it is _ okay _ , alright? I am not hurt at all. I understand. Being told you have cancer, especially when you aren’t expecting it, can’t be easy. It’s okay, Ethan. I promise.” She offers a small smile, moving her thumbs gently across his cheeks to wipe away the tears. He takes a deep breath, closing his eyes. The world isn’t spinning so much anymore as he feels his heart settle. The bangs and flashes have dulled, and he remembers where he is. He breathes again, longer this time. He holds it for the time his therapist told him, then out through his mouth.

When his eyes finally open, she’s still looking at him. He realizes that they’re on the floor, and she’s gently rubbing her thumbs over the backs of his hands. He laughs, small and suddenly, dropping his head as he shakes it before looking back up.

“But I’m not, right?” He forces a tight smile before it quickly falls. “I’m not okay.” 

Dr.Reyes closes her eyes, taking a deep breath as well. She takes that moment, and it’s almost enough time for the panic to set in once more. But before the terror can crawl back in, twist its toxic limbs around his mind, she opens her eyes, squinting them slightly as she flashes him a tiny smirk. It’s not cocky, but one of hope, he realizes.

“No, Ethan, you’re not-” his breath hitches.

“- But we are going to give it our damndest. You are  _ not _ going down without a fight, you hear me? I am not going to let you just run away. We, you and me kid, are going to fight this thing head-on.” She stands both of them, grabbing Ethan by his arms to pull him up alongside her. Ethan stares up at her like she’s Spiderman, and he’s some kid on the street who just saw her kick Doc Ock’s ass. He looks at her with big, round eyes, amazement and admiration beaming through. When they reach their full height, she takes both of his hands and holds them up in hers shaking them. It's not hard enough for it to hurt, but enough to know that she was there, that she was there with him and for him.

“I am not giving up on you, and you are damn well not going to give up on yourself because you are, Ethan, are worth it. We can do this, Ethan. Got it?”

He tries to say something back, but the words are stuck in his throat. Something about how much this means to him, that she didn’t need to do this, that maybe he really isn’t worth it, or maybe just even a thank you, but nothing comes. All he can do is look up at her, a kid looking up at his hero who just stopped the bad guy from crushing his teddy bear. 

_ He can do this. _

It’s difficult, getting anything out, but with some fresh tears welling up in his tired eyes, he manages a soft

“Thanks,” followed by the faintest quirk of his lips.

  
  
  


It’s quiet, but Dr. Reyes hears him just fine.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AAHHHH I'M BACK BITCHESSSS
> 
> Hello my trash children, did you miss me? I missed you, but I'm back and I bring you this sob shit as an offering of my apologies.
> 
> I hope all of you are well and are killing it in whatever you're up to. Your Trash Daddy is proud of you always. I look forward to hearing from you as always.
> 
> Love,  
> Trash Daddy
> 
> P.S. I saw that people actually follow the playlist on Spotify, which is fucking insane. If you want, go follow it. My writing is heavily inspired by the music I listen to and I get the majority of ideas from the songs I listen to. Please let me know which ones of you follow it! I'm curious.


	7. His Sister's Monster

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He raises his hand timidly and waves, almost as if he was trying not to scare off a deer he came across in the forest. Him, a tainted human and her, the pure creature only trying to live peacefully. 
> 
> He took that from her, her peace, he knew that.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Song for this chapter: Godspeed- James Black
> 
> On the fic playlist: https://open.spotify.com/playlist/0Ku6Sj4KyDbkXVhfJe9PHw?si=KTXYfW51R2efGHEoDdX0KQ

The car ride on his way back to his apartment was quiet. He didn’t listen to music or put on a podcast like he normally would. Instead, he sat in silence as the few cars left passed by on the highway, scattering red lights to dance across his dashboard. 

By the time he had been able to even out his breathing and the tears had finally ceased their freeflow, it was 10. Dr. Reyes, who had held him through the entirety of his breakdown, told him with one final reassuring squeeze to his shoulders, to go home, and they would talk it over tomorrow when they both weren’t so drained. He had thanked her for what was probably the 100th time that night, and trudged back to his car, swinging the door open lazily, and clambering in, sighing as he sunk into the leather. 

He’s been sitting in the driveway for a while now. Just staring at nothing in front of him, eyes unfocused just like his mind. 

He had realized that at this point, after crying in the arms of a woman he just met today, he had entered the stage of acceptance with getting the news he had cancer. 

Having cancer as a whole? Not even close. 

But at least he wasn’t running from his diagnosis, he was facing it, head-on, standing side by side with his own personal superhero.

And he was about to add another to the list.

He hears the door open up, but unlike earlier today, it’s not Amy, but Kathryn staring back at him. Even in the dark, he can make out the mascara tracks on her cheeks. She has her hands fidgeting in the pocket of her rainbow cardigan, something he knows she does when she’s trying not to show how nervous she truly is. 

_ “Ethan, you need to tell someone. You can not do this alone.” At this point, they’re sitting in the same positions they had been earlier when she had first told him he had cancer. His head is resting on the back of the couch, eyes closed with exhaustion. His meltdown had lasted an hour. An hour of him sobbing into the shoulder of his new doctor. A woman he just met a few hours prior, who had been on the floor with him, holding him while he wrinkled her nice blouse by clutching it too tight. _

_ She had realized a couple of minutes after he’d been able to calm down and actually talk to her that he planned on keeping this a secret from everyone, which she immediately told him was a definite no-no. “But whhyyyyy” he had tried to worm his way out of it, squirming and whining like a child who didn’t want to eat their vegetables. She had taken a deep breath before looking at him pointedly and telling him that it’s not up for debate. So, now they’re here, twenty minutes later and he’s still trying to get out of telling someone he loves that he’s actively dying and might need some help with it.  _

_ Ethan’s not the only one who’s exhausted. _

_ “That’s not true,’’ he counters, “I have you” he finishes, looking up at her with a tired smile. She smiles back with a slight eye roll. _

_ “Although that’s true, you need someone who’s not your doctor who knows you have a life-altering disease-” he interrupts by groaning loudly, but she continues over him. _

_ “- yes, I know I know, not fun. I get it. But someone’s gotta be there for you, kid. Take you to appointments and back, make sure you take your meds. Eat. Know if you fall down and can’t get back up-” he snorts at that, but stops with the glare he receives, quickly looking down at his thumbs. _

_ “I’m serious, Ethan. I know it sounds funny but these are all very real things that can and probably will happen at some point or the other.” She sighs, grabbing Ethan’s hands from across the table. She can see the nerves starting to work back up behind his eyes, his teeth worrying at his lip. _

_ “I’m not going to sugarcoat this for you, Ethan. This is going to suck. This is probably going to be the worst thing you’ve ever experienced and will ever experience in your life-”  _

_ “Great-” _

_ “- _ **_but,_ ** _ we are going to do our damndest to get through it, remember? But in order to do that-” _

_ “In order to do that,” he continues with a heavy sigh, “I have to tell someone.” She smiles, patting his hands before leaning back with a nod. _

_ “Exactly.” _

So he had chosen Kathryn. He couldn’t tell his parents, they were already dealing with taking care of his Grandma, who’s also battling cancer. 

_ Twinsies _ .

They had been roommates for over four years now and he felt like she was his sister at this point. They just had that type of connection. That they could always fall back on each other, always be there for the other, no matter what. That’s why when Dr. Reyes asked for the name and number of the person he was going to tell, he immediately and without hesitation said her’s.

_ “Hey, Kathryn.” _

_ “Oh hey, Eth! Did the shoot run over a bit? You didn’t text or anything. I was starting to get worried,” It’s said with a breathy laugh, the usual positive Kathryn shining through, even when it’s just her voice over the phone he can still tell that she’s one of the kindest souls.  _

_ Ethan looks back to Dr. Reyes, who nods at him to get on with it. She had made him call her now- tell her now. She raises her brows and he clears his throat. _

_ “Um, ya, so Kathryn I-” he pauses. The words seem to just die in his throat, the stakes of it all clogging it up.  _

_ “Wha- what is it Eth, you’re starting to actually worry me now,” the nerves coming through the other end make his heart physically hurt. Hurting Katharine is like kicking a puppy. Nobody kicks a puppy unless they’re a monster.  _

_ Ethan doesn’t want to be a monster. _

_ “I have cancer,” It comes out rushed, him hitting his thigh to push the words out.  _

_ Rip off the bandaid, just like Dr. Reyes had told him to. _

_ “You.. what?” she responds incredulously. With so much disbelief that she laughs. She laughs for a good minute before she realizes Ethan hasn’t told her ʻjust kiddingʻ yet. The line goes silent. He can hear her swallow over the noiselessness. When she finally speaks again, it’s small. “That’s not funny, Ethan. Seriously, you can’t joke abo-” _

_ “-It’s not a joke, Kathryn.” He cuts her off, he has to. He can’t prolong the pain he knows this is going to cause her- the pain it’s going to cause his sister. “I have cancer.” _

_ It’s quiet again. _

_ “Oh.” _

_ Then some more. It’s hard to find the words, Ethan realizes. What to say to those you love after you’ve just told them you have a life-ending disease. He’s scrambling in his brain, trying to think of something, anything that might help, but all that comes is, _

_ “Ya.” _

_ A few seconds pass and the quiet takes over again. It’s not a peaceful quiet that would fall over them usually when they were at home. It’s a cold one, one that is empty and sombering. It’s void of life entirely. It’s a lonely emptiness that just makes everything worse. _

_ “So, um... What kind?” _

_ “Uh, brain cancer.” _

_ “Oh.” _

_ The silence washes over again. This time the void lets the monster roam free, rise from where he buried it to claw its way up his throat. _

_ “I’ll, um, see you at home. Okay?”  _

_ “Okay.” _

_ “Bye.” _

_ “Bye.” _

_ - _

He raises his hand timidly and waves, almost as if he was trying not to scare off a deer he came across in the forest. Him, a tainted human and her, the pure creature only trying to live peacefully. 

He took that from her, her peace, he knew that. 

He knew that, though she stands here now, right in front of their door, smiling at him, small and sad,tears falling down her face, but still filled with all the love it did before. 

It fills him with enough hope to finally open the door to his car and step out. As soon as both feet hit the pavement he’s consumed in a hug. He can smell her rose shampoo as he squeezes her back. 

“You’re gonna be okay, Ethan.”

  
  
  


_ Ya, I hope so,  _ Ethan thinks to himself before finally closing his eyes and letting her warmth wash over him.

  
  


_ I hope so. _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yayayyayayay! This kind of concludes our important beginning info so we can get into the meat of it!!! Not like armie though.
> 
> (dont eat people kids, and practice BDSM correctly)
> 
> Hi all my beautiful trashlings, how are you? It's hard to write for this fic, basically because it's so sad. I have to be in a certain headspace, and of course, have the time to write. I still don't know how this fic will end, but I know one day it's just going to hit me and it will hurt either way.
> 
> I think I'm going to start my other not so sad, though she's angsty fic soon, just to balance it out. So be on the lookout for that!
> 
> Are you guys on the minecraft streamer train? Because I am and woo boy, am I in deep. The dream smp lore is INSANE and it's hard to keep up but she's juicy. Might write a fic for that fandom too. Let me know if any of yall watch it and let me know if you'd want a fic!!
> 
> Love you kids,  
> Trash Dad


End file.
